What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
Why did little Susie fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
Why did Billy drop his ice cream cone? He was hit by a bus.
Why was the plumber sad? Because I killed his family.
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? “We are both lawyers.”
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green, and throw forks at her.
Why did the old woman put rainbow-colored roller skates on her walker? She has dementia.
Why did the cripple die? He was shot in the head.
What has four legs and one arm? A Doberman on a playground.
Why isn’t Helen Keller a good driver? Because she’s dead.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What’s better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded.
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer.
How many dead babies can you fit in a bathtub? 17.
What’s sad about four black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff? They were my friends.
Statistically, nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel, because it’s a bird of prey.
What would Abraham Lincoln say if he was alive today? “Help! Let me out of this coffin!”
Why is six afraid of seven? Six hasn’t been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the night. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast, and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on his fellow soldiers’ faces when they walked into that village and…oh, Jesus. He shouldn’t think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex’s slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn’s cigarettes – he always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now – he knows that. It’s just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him… it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he’s back there again… in the jungle… in the darkness. Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. And the very next day, I died because no one can live without a heart.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I have no idea. I don’t speak Japanese.
A man walks into a bar. At the other end of the bar is a guy with a big orange head, just sitting there mooning into his drink. The man asks the bartender, “Say, what’s up with the guy with the big orange head?” The bartender says, “It’s an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he’ll tell you.” So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, “Yeah, I’ll bet you want to know the story, huh?” To which the man replies, “Sure, if you don’t mind.” The man with the big orange head sighs and says, “You know, I’ve gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it’s like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something in the sand. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little, when all of a sudden this enormous genie popped out! The genie thundered, “You have released me from my ten thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.”” The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues. “So, I said, “Wow! Okay! Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy!” The genie says, “Your wish is granted.” And suddenly I have all these rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in Beverly Hills – I mean, I was loaded! So, I said, “Amazing! Okay, for my next wish, I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world!” The genie says, “Your wish is granted.” And immediately the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this fantastic dress, and she takes my hand and we fall instantly in love, and the genie marries us right there on the beach. It was incredible! The genie booms, “You have one wish remaining.”” The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his drink. He says, “Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.”
Why is the Pope like a pine tree? They both fall over when you hit them repeatedly with an axe.
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.
I will never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket. He said,” Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Whenever Spencer goes to the beach, he stands there contemplating the meaning and purpose of life. This often makes him wonder what’s on the other side of the endless ocean. Then he realizes he is a dog and shits on the sand.
What’s white on top and black on the bottom? Society.
Knock. Knock. Who’s there? The police. The police who? Ma’am, your son is dead.
A man walks into McDonald’s. He asks for a burger and sits down at a table to eat it. Suddenly, he looks very intently at the burger, and then starts taking it apart. He removes both buns, closely examines the condiments, and finally puts them all back together and eats the burger. The girl who served him has watched the whole thing, and is very curious by now, so she walks over to him and asks,” You are a policeman, aren’t you?” The man is astounded and asks, “Why, yes, how did you know?” The girl says, “You’re wearing your uniform.”
Man after accident: Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs! Doctor: Yes, of course you can’t. I have cut off your arms.
I’ve spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.
I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. The bartender says, “Rough day, huh?” The man says, “Yes. Very rough.” He then goes home and hangs himself.
Man: Doctor! Doctor! I think I’m a pair of curtains! Doctor: That’s the least of your problems. You have AIDS.
Two men are sitting in a bar. One man turns to the other and says, “Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife’s house.” The other man replies, “Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidize her drug habit.”
What did the Black guy, the Latino guy and the Asian guy all have in common? Believe it or not, they all liked cantaloupe.
What’s the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? When I see a Porsche on the street, I think to myself, “that’s a nice car,” but when I see a pile of dead babies on the street I scream, “OH DEAR GOD WHY?!?! WHY?!?! WHERE IS THE MONSTER THAT KILLED THESE POOR BABIES?!?!” I then quickly alert the authorities of the hideous crime before vomiting profusely and crying until my tear ducts run dry. I sustain irreversible psychological damage and the image of hundreds of cruelly murdered infants prevents me from sleeping at night.
What did one orphan say to the other? “My parents are dead.”
Why did the waiter put rubber bands in the soup? Because he wasn’t a very good waiter.
When SCUBA diving, why is it important to fall backward off the side of the boat? Because if you fell forward, you would still be in the boat.
What did the African say when he had diarrhea? “I wish I had access to clean water and basic amenities.”
What is worse than eight babies in one dumpster? One baby in eight dumpsters.
What did the mentally retarded kid get on his IQ test? Drool.
A man was walking his dog through a cemetery when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone. “Morning!” he said. The other man replied, “No, just taking a shit.”
What did the Catholic priest say at the AA meeting? “Alcohol is ruining my life.”
A man comes into a bar. No, wait, it was a horse. A man comes into a horse.
What’s big and black and can’t climb trees? A parking lot.
How do you fit an elephant into your car? Starve it to death, then chop it up into pieces.
You are so ugly that when you look into a mirror, it displays your reflection, because that is what mirrors do.
What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night? Crib death.
I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Unless they were having sex with my corpse.
Why can’t Ray Charles see his friends? Because he’s married.
A family walks into a hotel and the father walks up to the front desk and says, “I hope the porn is disabled.” The guy at the desk replies, “It’s just regular porn, you sicko.”
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.
A woman comes through the grocery store checkout lane with half a dozen eggs, a small bag of grapes, and a quart of milk. “You must live alone,” says the clerk. “Why do you say that?” asks the woman. “Because of the groceries I’m buying?” “No,” the clerk says, “because you’re freakin’ ugly.”
What is the useless skin around the vagina called? A woman.
Weird & Miscellaneous
<Back
1 O.J Simpson – Weekly Trial at a Glance TV Crushes of the Sixties Anti-Jokes
The Best of ANTI JOKES
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
Why did little Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Why did Billy drop his ice cream cone?
He was hit by a bus.
Why was the plumber sad?
Because I killed his family.
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
“We are both lawyers.”
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green, and throw forks at her.
Why did the old woman put rainbow-colored roller skates on her walker?
She has dementia.
Why did the cripple die?
He was shot in the head.
What has four legs and one arm?
A Doberman on a playground.
Why isn’t Helen Keller a good driver?
Because she’s dead.
What do you call a black man on the moon?
An astronaut.
What’s better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
How many dead babies can you fit in a bathtub?
17.
What’s sad about four black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
Statistically, nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel, because it’s a bird of prey.
What would Abraham Lincoln say if he was alive today?
“Help! Let me out of this coffin!”
Why is six afraid of seven?
Six hasn’t been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the night. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast, and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on his fellow soldiers’ faces when they walked into that village and…oh, Jesus. He shouldn’t think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex’s slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn’s cigarettes – he always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now – he knows that. It’s just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him… it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he’s back there again… in the jungle… in the darkness. Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.
And the very next day, I died because no one can live without a heart.
What did one Japanese man say to the other?
I have no idea. I don’t speak Japanese.
A man walks into a bar. At the other end of the bar is a guy with a big orange head, just sitting there mooning into his drink. The man asks the bartender, “Say, what’s up with the guy with the big orange head?” The bartender says, “It’s an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he’ll tell you.” So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, “Yeah, I’ll bet you want to know the story, huh?” To which the man replies, “Sure, if you don’t mind.” The man with the big orange head sighs and says, “You know, I’ve gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it’s like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something in the sand. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little, when all of a sudden this enormous genie popped out! The genie thundered, “You have released me from my ten thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.”” The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues. “So, I said, “Wow! Okay! Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy!” The genie says, “Your wish is granted.” And suddenly I have all these rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in Beverly Hills – I mean, I was loaded! So, I said, “Amazing! Okay, for my next wish, I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world!” The genie says, “Your wish is granted.” And immediately the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this fantastic dress, and she takes my hand and we fall instantly in love, and the genie marries us right there on the beach. It was incredible! The genie booms, “You have one wish remaining.”” The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his drink. He says, “Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.”
Why is the Pope like a pine tree?
They both fall over when you hit them repeatedly with an axe.
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
I will never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket.
He said,” Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Whenever Spencer goes to the beach, he stands there contemplating the meaning and purpose of life. This often makes him wonder what’s on the other side of the endless ocean.
Then he realizes he is a dog and shits on the sand.
What’s white on top and black on the bottom?
Society.
Knock. Knock.
Who’s there?
The police.
The police who?
Ma’am, your son is dead.
A man walks into McDonald’s. He asks for a burger and sits down at a table to eat it. Suddenly, he looks very intently at the burger, and then starts taking it apart. He removes both buns, closely examines the condiments, and finally puts them all back together and eats the burger. The girl who served him has watched the whole thing, and is very curious by now, so she walks over to him and asks,” You are a policeman, aren’t you?” The man is astounded and asks, “Why, yes, how did you know?” The girl says, “You’re wearing your uniform.”
Man after accident: Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, of course you can’t. I have cut off your arms.
I’ve spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.
I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. The bartender says, “Rough day, huh?” The man says, “Yes. Very rough.” He then goes home and hangs himself.
Man: Doctor! Doctor! I think I’m a pair of curtains!
Doctor: That’s the least of your problems. You have AIDS.
Two men are sitting in a bar. One man turns to the other and says, “Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife’s house.” The other man replies, “Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidize her drug habit.”
What did the Black guy, the Latino guy and the Asian guy all have in common?
Believe it or not, they all liked cantaloupe.
What’s the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?
When I see a Porsche on the street, I think to myself, “that’s a nice car,” but when I see a pile of dead babies on the street I scream, “OH DEAR GOD WHY?!?! WHY?!?! WHERE IS THE MONSTER THAT KILLED THESE POOR BABIES?!?!” I then quickly alert the authorities of the hideous crime before vomiting profusely and crying until my tear ducts run dry. I sustain irreversible psychological damage and the image of hundreds of cruelly murdered infants prevents me from sleeping at night.
What did one orphan say to the other?
“My parents are dead.”
Why did the waiter put rubber bands in the soup?
Because he wasn’t a very good waiter.
When SCUBA diving, why is it important to fall backward off the side of the boat?
Because if you fell forward, you would still be in the boat.
What did the African say when he had diarrhea?
“I wish I had access to clean water and basic amenities.”
What is worse than eight babies in one dumpster?
One baby in eight dumpsters.
What did the mentally retarded kid get on his IQ test?
Drool.
A man was walking his dog through a cemetery when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone. “Morning!” he said. The other man replied, “No, just taking a shit.”
What did the Catholic priest say at the AA meeting?
“Alcohol is ruining my life.”
A man comes into a bar. No, wait, it was a horse. A man comes into a horse.
What’s big and black and can’t climb trees?
A parking lot.
How do you fit an elephant into your car?
Starve it to death, then chop it up into pieces.
You are so ugly that when you look into a mirror, it displays your reflection, because that is what mirrors do.
What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?
Crib death.
I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Unless they were having sex with my corpse.
Why can’t Ray Charles see his friends?
Because he’s married.
A family walks into a hotel and the father walks up to the front desk and says, “I hope the porn is disabled.” The guy at the desk replies, “It’s just regular porn, you sicko.”
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
A woman comes through the grocery store checkout lane with half a dozen eggs, a small bag of grapes, and a quart of milk. “You must live alone,” says the clerk. “Why do you say that?” asks the woman. “Because of the groceries I’m buying?” “No,” the clerk says, “because you’re freakin’ ugly.”
What is the useless skin around the vagina called?
A woman.
<Back
1 O.J Simpson – Weekly Trial at a Glance TV Crushes of the Sixties Anti-Jokes
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